


looking too closely

by noair (eatthatup)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Making Up, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:15:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24029470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eatthatup/pseuds/noair
Summary: There’s something about Younghoon that Chanhee still can’t figure out.Because their relationship is a weird one, a secret and hidden one. He doesn’t mind, of course, but Younghoon is hiding from him something, and having two secrets is something Chanhee won’t allow.He won’t allow it to become a nuisance later.
Relationships: Choi Chanhee | New/Kim Younghoon
Comments: 6
Kudos: 120





	looking too closely

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first time posting for tbz...... pls be kind
> 
> [this is my tw and commissions info!!](https://twitter.com/ten__wv/status/1241880594625200128?s=21)

There’s something about Younghoon that Chanhee still can’t figure out. 

Because their relationship is a weird one, a secret and hidden one. He doesn’t mind, of course, but Younghoon is hiding from him something, and having two secrets is something Chanhee won’t allow. 

He won’t allow it to become a nuisance later. 

“Hey,” he says, walking into the room. Younghoon is lying down, staring at the bottom of the top bunk. Chanhee approaches him and sits by his side, admiring his side profile, his lost gaze, and the big space he left on the mattress as if he knew Chanhee would come. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah.”   


Chanhee knows. He has always known, really, that most of the times Younghoon lies to him. It’s a complicated situation, it’s hard, it’s a difficult task to figure Younghoon out. Yet Chanhee hasn’t given up yet, because there’s a pull, a need. He needs to know, to fix it. 

“You sure?” He asks already aware of the answer. 

“Yep, why are you asking?” Now he stares at him, with a more gentle gaze. He’s always been gentle, soft. No matter what he hides, there’s an obvious weakness for Chanhee. 

“No reason.”

It’s silent for a moment, until Chanhee decides to lie down beside him, placing his head on Younghoon’s stretched out arm. He can feel it, the way Younghoon tenses for a moment, how his skin is suddenly colder. It’s saddening, that he has to experience that. 

Chanhee doesn’t give up.

-

It’s hard. Diffcult. Almost impossible. 

But Chanhee is not dumb, at all, he’s smart, just as much as Younghoon is, even if he attempts to hide it. Slowly, gradually, as if ice is melting, revealing what Younghoon hides so well from him, Chanhee nearly figures it out. 

It’s in the skin to skin contact. At least, that’s what he notices. 

Whenever they touch, Younghoon would lean away unconsciously, gulping, looking away. He seems to be cold, but not afraid. When they kiss, Younghoon ends up sighing and apologizing after, excusing himself to the bathroom. Chanhee can tell, there’s something else. And he’ll do whatever is necessary to find out. 

“What happened?”

Younghoon comes out of the bathroom looking pale. And Chanhee notices he has red eyes. It makes his heart shrink a bit. 

“Nothing, I just got sad out of nowhere,” he lies again. He lies because there’s something he’s hiding from Chanhee. Younghoon lies and Chanhee won’t allow it.

“Seriously? Out of nowhere?” 

He nods.

Then he’s sitting on the bed again, looking down at the floor. It’s almost heartbreaking. 

“Don’t worry, for real, I’m okay,” he says, and gazes up at where Chanhee is standing, narrowing his eyes. 

“I’ll go take a shower, then,” Chanhee announces, “miss me, at least.”

“I will.”

With water running down his body, Chanhee allows a few tears to fall down, unnoticeable, and once he’s wrapped around a towel and staring at himself on the mirror, there’s someone with dark circles under his eyes and a redness to them that stares back, tired. 

Maybe that’s the real him. 

-

Then, it’s not contact.

Younghoon is avoiding him, plainly. When they’re in a room together with the rest, he makes sure to sit as far away as possible from him, ignoring his presence; his comments and burning gaze.

The others seems to apparently notice. Chanhee doesn’t know  _ why _ , or  _ when _ .

“Ohhhh,” Kevin comments, “Younghoon-hyung is scared.”

Hyunjae laughs and points at his pale face and then says, “Chanhee go hug him.”

Chanhee’s eyes go wide, his cheeks red, and his chest burns. He hates the attention and hates their eyes fixed on him ready for him to react, to do something. He doesn’t want to do something, to please them. Chanhee wants to be alone with Younghoon and push him until the truth comes out. 

“C’mon,” says Jacob.

“Shut up,” Chanhee finally says, “you guys are so annoying.”

Younghoon remains looking at the movie, doesn’t move his eyes from the TV not even for a single second, doesn’t gaze at Chanhee, at the rest. He simply focuses on what happens on the screen and ignores their shenanigans. 

There’s sadness in his eyes. And Chanhee doesn’t know  _ why _ . 

Later, as they are eating, Younghoon decides to finally look at him over the table, as he passes him a bottle of soy sauce. Chanhee shivers. Their hands touch, and Chanhee looks at all of them to make sure no one noticed, no one saw so they couldn’t point it out. 

It’s not that he’s afraid, but he prefers to keep it hidden. A secret. 

It doesn’t need to come out. 

-

Apparently, it does need to. 

Now Chanhee detects a pattern. Younghoon doesn’t pull away, but Chanhee does. As they touch in public, as they pass by each other in the hallway, whenever they need to share a bathroom. 

It’s then when Younghoon’s eyes get filled with sadness, replacing their usual glint. 

So it’s his fault, perhaps, that Younghoon is hiding something from him. Maybe it’s him who’s causing it. But confrontations aren’t exactly Chanhee’s forte, and he doesn’t want to mistakenly accuse Younghoon of something, blame himself when it’s not reality at all. 

There’s reality and then there’s Younghoon’s mind. 

It’s impossible to find out, really, what he’s thinking at times. Chanhee has learned to read him, but it’s not as wide as an open book. He has knowledge, at least, of what his behaviour means. So that’s the reason he even noticed a change at the beginning. 

“Hey,” he stops Younghoon with a hand on his shoulder, dropping it quickly and looking both sides. “We need to talk.”

Younghoon sighs. It’s as if he knows. 

“I know.”

That’s not the answer Chanhee was expecting, at all. 

“Okay…” He replies, “come here.”

They walk to his room, silently, or at least Chanhee tries to. He doesn’t want the others to bother him or tease him, so he allows Younghoon to enter and then closes the door slowly. 

They both stare at each other and Chanhee wishes he didn’t have feelings.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Younghoon asks. Chanhee’s eyes go wide, mouth falling open. That was unexpected, in ways that hurt him, his heart plummeting down his stomach. 

“What? No! How did you even come to that conclusion?”

“There are many reasons,” he says, sitting down, “so I wouldn’t put it past you.”

“That’s really what you think of me?” He didn’t mean to get mad, this isn’t where the conversation was planned to go, and Chanhee is starting to panic so he hides behind sharp words and accusations.

“It’s not what I think of you, it’s what I think of  _ us _ .” 

Us, their relationship, them as individuals. It’s a meaningful word. Chanhee sits on the opposite bunk bed, and wonders when did they get to this point. When did he fuck up so bad for Younghoon to think  _ that _ . 

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something, not break up, y’know,” Chanhee says, attempting to make eye contact. Younghoon just seems lost. 

“What is it?”

“You’re hiding something from me.”

He utters those words and Younghoon instantly frowns, staring at him. He appears to try and find his words, but fails, and instead stays silent gazing intensely at Chanhee, so he can’t help but shiver, appear vulnerable. 

“Am I?” He then asks, rhetorically. 

“Seriously, you’ve been acting weird, you are, I don’t know, distant, cold. It wasn’t like this before,” his mind is a turmoil. But Chanhee still manages to explain it somehow clearly. 

“I’m the one acting weird? And you haven’t?”

There’s clearly a misunderstanding.

“What did  _ I _ do?”

“I’m the one hiding something but you’re hiding  _ me _ , Chanhee,” he finally says. 

“Hiding you?”

And now, in retrospect, maybe he is. Perhaps Chanhee doesn’t like PDA, but the thought of the others finding out makes his skin crawl, and the need to run away whenever they are near in public is overwhelming. It’s a secret. They both know. But Chanhee never thought it’d hurt Younghoon too. 

“You completely ignore my presence when the rest are around, it hurts, you have no idea what is like to be a  _ secret _ , and I’m tired of it.” 

God, he isn’t a secret. He isn’t something Chanhee is embarrassed of. Younghoon is what makes Chanhee happy.

“I’m sorry,” it’s all he can say.

“That’s all, I guess,” he gets up, “you can talk to me once you’re not ashamed of me.”

So that’s how they break up. Or take a break. Or whatever it is. 

-

It’s worse than before, the avoiding. 

Now Younghoon makes sure to smile, to pretend to be okay, and ignore Chanhee’s presence whenever he’s able to, doesn’t do fanservice if he’s not specifically asked to, and doesn’t look his way not even once. 

It hurts.

Because Chanhee, as apathetic as he might seem, misses his hugs, his grin while teasing Chanhee, the way he holds him and kisses his hand while jokingly calling him princess, misses the banter and the romantic stuff. He misses him, as a whole, and admits it’s all his fault. 

He guesses, you don’t know what you have until you lose it. 

“Y’all, let’s play  _ Pictionary _ ,” Kevin proposes. 

They sit and attempt to fit in a circle but fail, and form groups of four. The words are not easy at all, and Juyeon is the worst at drawing, Chanhee decides. They are losing, and maybe his skills aren’t the best, but blaming the others is better than admitting his own flaws.

Then he realizes.

It’s Younghoon’s turn, and he draws two people holding hands, a heart in between, and then adds hair to both of them, short, no skirts, no signs of gender. They attempt to guess: friendship, relationship, brotherhood, affection, companionship. He empathizes the heart, and Jacob is the first one to yell the answer.

“Love!”

Younghoon nods and smiles widely, his group clapping in happiness, and finally sends a look Chanhee’s way. It’s filled with some sort of heartache. 

The word love doesn’t leave him alone, remains inside his mind, mocking him, reminding Chanhee of every mistake he’s ever done, of how he ruined the only thing that made him happy. 

Love. 

\- 

Now it’s gradual, how he decides to fix it. 

They don’t have a talk, Chanhee doesn’t apologize and begs for his forgiveness, instead does it the way Younghoon would. Showing affection. 

Sangyeon, Hyunjae and Younghoon are sitting watching TV, a small space beside Younghoon which Chanhee takes advantage of quickly. Narrowing his eyes, Younghoon briefly gazes at him and then at the TV, once again ignoring him. But he doesn’t expect it, no, althought their thighs are touching and they are sitting close, Younghoon doesn’t expect Chanhee to hold his hand.

His eyes go wide, almost loosening their grip, but Chanhee tightens it, smiling. He sees it, it doesn’t go unnoticed, how Younghoon’s lips curve a little and no one budges. No one cares. 

Chanhee breathes. 

“Why are we even watching this?” Hyunjae asks, sitting up from the couch and walking to the kitchen. He sees it, Chanhee is sure, but they  _ don’t mind _ . 

“Because it’s interesting,” Sangyeon answers, “and I like it.”

Honestly, Chanhee doesn’t even pay attention, only looks at the way Younghoon’s cheeks turn red slowly, and looks around as if reminding Chanhee there are other people in the room. He doesn’t care. 

“I don’t care,” he voices it in a whisper.

“Really?”

“Really.”

-

Changmin comes out of his room to find Younghoon and Chanhee cuddling on the couch, he doesn’t seem surprised nor disgusted.

He simply walks over to the kitchen and opens the fridge, seemingly looking for something. It’s early in the morning, and seeing Changmin out of his room is a weird sight. 

“What are you doing?” Chanhee asks, and buries his face further in Younghoon’s chest. It doesn’t bother him anymore. It fills him with pride. 

“Getting some water,” he replies, a bit sleepy. Then retreats to his room quickly and leaves them alone.

It’s Younghoon who stares down at him and smiles. It’s sincere, genuine. Chanhe wants to kiss him. 

“Thank you,” he says. 

“For what?”

“For—doing this,” Younghoon holds his hand and Chanhee doesn’t care, not even a bit.

“You don’t need to thank me, dumbass,” Chanhee says, “I was an asshole.”

“But I was hiding it from you instead of talking, like normal human beings,” Chanhee chuckles and rests his head on his shoulder.

This is what he missed, exactly. 

But not every moment ends perfectly, Chanhee learns, once they get comfortable enough to share a short, but filled with love kiss, one that would quickly turn into something else if it wasn’t for Sunwoo walking in. He frowns.

“Ew,” he grimaces, “get a room.”

Chanhee’s cheeks are as pink as his hair, and Younghoon couldn’t get redder, it reaching down his chest. This time, it isn’t because he’s ashamed of him, embarrased of the rest knowing about them, now it’s different. And Chanhee notices how it all changes. Gradually, how Younghoon doesn’t look pale anymore, doesn’t pull away anymore, doesn’t avoid him or look away. 

It’s about figuring it all out. 

“You don’t—mind?” Chanhee asks.

“What?”

“That we, uh, are together.”

Younghoon’s cheeks turn a wine red.

“We all know? It’s not a surprise,” Sunwoo replies, absent-mindedly.

Chanhee wants to die. 

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, you two are cute, by the way.”

He guesses there’s no more hiding.    
  



End file.
